Ben Rosen

Miked Up

Last Sunday, Wildcats QB Rick Floyd wore a microphone so the fans could hear what’s really said on the field during an NFL game.

1st Quarter

15:00 Let’s play as a team, let’s play tough, let’s stick together for 60 minutes. We can’t play scared, boys. Wildcats on three. One, two, three, Wildcats!

14:59 Ready…hut! No! No no no no! Go away! Don’t tackle me! Ow!

4:04 Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.

2nd Quarter

13:52 Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Ow!

8:01 Ow! Stop! Your hands are so cold! Don’t touch me with your cold hands. That feels terrible.

2:43 Owwwwwww! You can’t sneak up on me like that.

3rd Quarter

6:43 Coach, listen- no, I’m not giving up, listen. I just feel like you should put the backup in. 

2:21 Like, I’ve been watching him in the weight room and he’s putting on some serious muscle. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to see what he can do in a game situation.

1:34 It’s just that this other team is so big and tall. And I don’t enjoy playing against them. You understand where I’m coming from, right?

4th Quarter

11:01 I don’t even have the ball! Why are you pushing me?

5:55 Don’t pull on my jersey! Ow! Stop! You’re stretching the collar!

0:00 Yeah that’s right! We did it, baby! Nobody can beat us when we play like champions! All day everyday!

DJ Fringe

10:00: WHAT UP, IT’S YOUR BOY DJ FRINGE TAKING OVER HOT 97 FOR THE NEXT HOUR! I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE READY FOR THIS, NEW YORK! I’M COMING AT YOU WITH THAT NEW CAM’RON! LET’S GO!

10:08: OH YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS A GAME? YOU KNOW I’M GONNA HIT YOU WITH THE FRESHEST IN HIP-HOP AND R&B! BUT DJ FRINGE ALSO KNOWS WHAT’S POPPIN ON YOUR TELEVISION SET! I’M TALKING ABOUT FRINGE ON FOX! NOW LET’S GET SOME YOUNG JEEZY COMING OUT YOUR SPEAKERS! GET YOUR’S, NEW YORK!

10:15: I SHOULD MENTION THAT FRINGE AIRS AT 9 EASTERN ON FRIDAYS! BEFORE YOU HIT THE CLUB, ENJOY THE HOTTEST SCI-FI PROCEDURAL ON NETWORK TELEVISION! CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP HERE ON HOT 97! LIL KIM COMING UP NEXT! P.S. THAT’S 8 CENTRAL!

10:23: TWITTER FAM, I SEE YOU’RE SUGGESTING THAT MAYBE I AM AN INTEGRATED FOX MARKETING CAMPAIGN BUT I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM OR DENY! DJ FRINGE IN THE BUILDING!

10:28: JOSHUA JACKSON FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, EMMY VOTERS! NOW BACK TO THESE DOPE TRACKS!

10:31: YOU THINK I’M REALLY A FOX PLANT TRYING TO REACH A NEW DEMOGRAPHIC? A-HA! YOU CRAZY FOR THIS ONE, NEW YORK! I’M GOING TO STOP CALLING ATTENTION TO THIS POSSIBILITY!

10:37: THE PHONE LINES ARE HEATING UP BUT I CAN ONLY ASSUME YOU ALL WANT TO PRAISE MYSELF AND FRINGE ON FOX! CAN’T LET MY HEAD GET BIG, GOTTA STAY ON MY GRIND! THANKS FOR THE LOVE!

10:42: YOU’D BE SURPRISED AT THE LEVEL OF COMPLEXITY IN THE FRINGE MYTHOLOGY CRAFTED BY SHOWRUNNER JEFF PINKER AND HIS TALENTED STAFF! DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

10:51: YO LET’S STOP USING THE HASHTAG #FIREDJFRINGE AND START USING #FRINGEONFOX OR #WHOARETHEOBSERVERS!

10:59: MY TIME IS UP! GOTTA GET BACK TO THE CRIB AND POP IN ONE OF MY FRINGE DVDS FROM SEASONS 1-3! $40.49 ON AMAZON! LOVE EACH OTHER, NEW YORK, JUST LIKE PETER BISHOP AND OLIVIA DUNHAM!

11:00: Hey, this is Funkmaster Flex. Just want to say that the preceding hour in no way represents the views of Hot 97 or its parent company, Emmis Communications. I sincerely apologize and assure you Joshua Jackson will never again be spoken of on this station. MOVING ON, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS! FUNK FLEX!

Q&A

-Hey everyone, I can’t thank you all enough for coming to the screening. I was lucky to be part of a fantastic cast - it’s a small miracle that a movie as challenging as this got made and we’re very proud of it. Now I’d like to turn it over to you all for questions. Yes, you, sir.
-Yeah, what was your character’s last name?
-Uh, Robertson. Anybody else? You again?
-And you really filmed it in St. Petersburg?
-In and around St. Petersburg.
-And your character died at the end?
-Yes, that was the whole crux of the third act. Listen, I can answer anything about the film, the production of the film, anything, but you can find most of those answers online.
-And your character was an architect?
-Yes.
-And do you remember any parts of the script that caught your attention when you first read it?
-Yeah, you know, great question, it’s funny you should ask that-
-No, I was actually asking my wife that question. About a different script.
-Seriously?
-And what was up with that preview for Battleship?
-I’m not in that.
-And do you know when they’ll get more red Icee mix in stock?
-No.
-And do you validate parking?
-This is unbelievable. Security, can you escort this man away? What’s your name, sir?

[dramatic pause as he rises from his seat]

-A.O. Scott.
-Whooooooooooa.
-Nah, different A.O. Scott. 

The End

QUIZ TIME: Rich Uncle Pennybags Or A Rapper?

1) “Money over everything, money on my mind.” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or Drake?

2) “Advance to Go, collect $200.” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or 50 Cent?

3) “I’m not a businessman. I’m a business…man.” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or Jay-Z?

4) “You have won a crossword competition, collect $100.” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or Diddy?

5) “Ever made love to the women of your dreams in a room full of money out in London and she screams?” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or Rick Ross?

ANSWERS: 1) Drake, 2) Rich Uncle Pennybags, 3) Jay-Z, 4) Rich Uncle Pennybags, 5) Both

The Bombardier

Infamous supervillain, The Bombardier, addresses his henchmen in his lair.

The Bombardier: Great work, team, on another successful diabolical mission. Please, join me at the bar after work for happy hour. I promise it’ll be…a blast.

Henchman: Hold on, are we blowing it up? Did I miss that?

The Bombardier: No, we’re just going to have a good time. We’re off the clock, boys.

Henchman: You did say “blast” like you’re going to explode it.

The Bombardier: It’s a common expression.

Henchman: Well, yeah, but you’re whole gimmick is that you blow stuff up, so not that farfetched.

The Bombardier: That’s crazy. We’re going to go, have a great time, relax. Plus, I hear the drink specials are…to die for.

Henchman: Okay, are you sure you’re not going to kill us? We realize we’re pretty expendable.

The Bombardier: Why would you even ask that? You’re my henchmen! Love you guys!

Henchman: You just hit “to die for” pretty hard, that’s all. 

The Bombardier: It’s another expression! Why can’t I say these things? Is it because I’m evil? That’s not fair.

Hechman: Just making sure.

The Bombardier: Great. So I’ll see you there at 7, at which point I will…murder you.

Henchman: Come again?

The Bombardier: I’m just kidding! Come on, let’s go party!

Then they all went to the bar and he totally blew them up.

The First Draft Of “Candy Shop” By 50 Cent With Original Backup Vocals

I’ll take you to the candy shop
Ooh

I’ll let you lick the lollipop
Okay

I’ll whip up a batch of some of our world famous peanut brittle
Mmm

Oh you didn’t know I owned the titular candy shop?
Nuh uh, 50

I’ll show you the taffy machine
Ooh

Be careful - the taffy machine’s dangerous
Thanks, 50

I’ll let you use the pricing gun
Okay

No, no not like that
Huh?

Right, just get it on the bar code
Oh all right

I’ll introduce you to our point of sale software
Mmm

I’ll let you meet Russ, the Nestle retail representative for our county
Ooohh

I’ll give you the access code to the building in case I need you to be there for an early pick up or something
You got it

I’ll get you two lemon jelly beans and a coconut jelly bean because when you eat them together it kind of tastes like lemon meringue pie
Sure does, 50

I’ll let you lick a different flavored lollipop
Okay

Breakup

Rebecca: I don’t think Brian is dealing with the breakup very well.

Melissa: Breakups are hard. Is he bugging you?

Rebecca: No, he just hooked up his Spotify to Facebook and I can see everything he’s listening to. Like, look at this:

5:43 Brian Stanger listened to “Why I Cry” by The Magnetic Fields on Spotify
5:48 Brian Stanger listened to “Cry Me A River” by Justin Timberlake on Spotify
5:52 Brian Stanger listened to “Cryin’” by Aerosmith on Spotify

Melissa: Yeesh.

Rebecca: Yeah, and it keeps going.

6:32 Brian Stanger listened to “I Miss You Rebecca” by Brian Stanger on Spotify
6:35 Brian Stanger listened to “I Don’t Know What To Do Without You Rebecca” by Brian Stanger on Spotify
6:41 Brian Stanger listened to “Seriously My Life Is In Ruins Without You Rebecca. I Don’t Care About Anything Anymore. I Pee In The Shower All The Time Now” by Brian Stanger on Spotify 

Melissa: Are those songs that he recorded about you?

Rebecca: Yeah, I mean, I don’t like the pee part but I guess it’s pretty impressive that he did all that.

Melissa: Look, there’s more. 

7:04 Brian Stanger listened to “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex on Spotify
7:08 Brian Stanger listened to “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex on Spotify
7:12 Brian Stanger listened to “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex on Spotify
7:16 Brian Stanger listened to “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex on Spotify
7:20 Brian Stanger listened to “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex on Spotify
7:24 Brian Stanger listened to “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex on Spotify
7:28 Brian Stanger listened to “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex on Spotify
7:32 Brian Stanger listened to “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex on Spotify

Melissa: Okay, that’s super weird.

Rebecca: Oh my God. 

Melissa: I think he’s really lost it.

Rebecca: No, he hasn’t lost it at all.

Melissa: That is objectively some extremely unhealthy behavior.

Rebecca: No, that was our song. He remembered our song.

Melissa: Are you serious?

8:07 Brian Stanger is in a relationship with Rebecca Lewis