February 2012
24 posts
My Review Of The Descendants
Full House Finale Fan Fiction
Ding Dong!
Danny opened the door and gasped.
“Pam?”
And there stood his wife, a beautiful blonde decaying undead zombie woman. She immediately bit his face off and dripped his blood from her mouth as she entered the living room.
Once inside, she gobbled up her three daughters, and also DJ’s hunky boyfriend Steve.
Next she grabbed the twin Katsopolis boys and popped...
We Love Our Children
Neighbor 1: You see the sign the Gormans put up? Neighbor 2: Yeah, “WE love our children”? Like I don’t love my kids? Neighbor 1: I mean they didn’t underline the WE, but I can tell they meant to emphasize the WE. Neighbor 2: So now I’m thinking, “What, now I gotta put up a sign?” Neighbor 1: Yeah like, “We also love our children”? Neighbor...
Daydreams Vs. Reality
I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m bored I get lost in a dreamworld where everything goes right. Sure enough, reality always smacks me in the face, but it’s still fun to dream before disappointment sets in. Here are some recent examples.
Waiting In Line At Starbucks
Daydream: Everybody lets me cut to the front of the line, they have all these extra hot chocolates lying...
Eminem And Bruno Mars Collaborate On A Hit Song
Eminem: Man, I would do anything for a hit single.
In a puff of red smoke, Bruno Mars appears.
Bruno Mars: Maybe I can help you with that.
Eminem: You’d write me a hit song?
Bruno Mars: I don’t know how to write anything BUT hit songs.
Eminem: I’ll take one.
Bruno Mars shows him a contract.
Bruno Mars: It’ll cost you YOUR SOUL.
Eminem: You drive a hard...
City Library Cockfights
Host: WHO’S READY FOR A COCKFIGHT??? That’s right, we got angry gamecocks ready to wreck each other UP! As always, all proceeds at City Library Cockfights go toward the City Library and its various tutoring and literacy programs. Now let’s get it POPPIN!!!!
Librarian: Um, excuse me, I’m actually from the City Library and I’m here because we’d like it if you...
People I Have Almost Hit With My Car Since I Moved...
1) Actor Michael Rappaport
2) Director John Singleton
3) At least a million non-famous people. VERY lowball estimate.
Katy Perry Writes Teenage Dream
Katy Perry joins megaproducer Max Martin in a California recording studio.
Max Martin: Let’s hear what you’ve got for “Teenage Dream.”
Katy Perry: You make me/feel like I’m living a/teenage dream/I’m late for a class/that I don’t even remember signing up for/and it’s the day of the final and I’m unprepared
Max Martin: Katy, that...
A Valentine's Day Message From Bobby V.
Ladies of the world, the nose of R&B icon Bobby V. is separating the sweet Valentine’s Day air into its component parts - the delicious scent of red roses, the intoxicating aroma of limited edition cherry M&Ms, those bangin’ perfumes you all got on, and oh yeah, oxygen and nitrogen. Yes, it is time for R&B superstud Bobby V. to deliver his annual Valentine’s Day...
Some The Vow Fan Fiction
Rachel McAdams opened her eyes and woke from her medically induced coma. “You’re awake!” I said. “You were in an accident but you’re fine now.” “Doctor, was anyone else hurt?” she said to me. My eyes welled up with tears. “You don’t remember who I am? I’m…your husband.” “But I’m engaged to Jeremy.”...
Mythbusters: Heartbreak Edition
MYTH: You can’t cry yourself to sleep.
Adam: Ever since Annie left me, I cry myself to sleep at least once a week. You think at a certain point you’re going to stop crying and fall asleep but then suddenly it’s morning and you don’t remember ever stopping.
Jamie: Huh?
MYTH: BUSTED
- - -
MYTH: There’s plenty of other women out there.
Adam: That’s what...
Drafts 1-5 Of The Ryan Gosling Drive Jacket
How I Learned I Am A Monster
Guy At The Post Office: Do you have an extra envelope? (Pronounced ehn-velope)
Me: Nah, I don’t have any more envelopes. (Pronounced on-velopes)
Then I gasped at myself and he just turned and left instead of chopping my head off with a samurai sword but if he did chop my head off with a samurai sword, he would have been completely in the right.
Gchatting With Charlotte About Her Upcoming Trip...
MC is @charlotteborgen and me is me.
My Review Of Contagion
A Report From The Supermarket At Midnight
Recently I was in a Ralphs late at night and the only other people there were older men in sweatpants pushing carts full of nothing but SoBe Lifewaters and Cliff Bars. Coldplay’s “The Scientist” came on.
A list of songs that would have made things more depressing is as follows:
Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” cover
END OF LIST.
Get it together, Ralphs.
My Mom Is Straight Tearing Up The Emoji Game
The Best Conversation I Ever Had About Sons Of...
Him: You watch Sons of Anarchy?
Me: No, is it good?
Him: Yeah man - they just introduced the Mexican cartel and they’re chopping people’s heads off. It’s insane.
Me: Chopping people’s heads off is always cool.
Him: You like that shit?
Me: Well, I like Breaking Bad. Lots of crazy stuff happens on that show.
Him: No, I mean, do you like that REAL shit? Like Youtube...
Brainstorming!
-Hey Rick, you want to help me brainstorm some product names? -Yeah, of course. -First is a trap that kills cockroaches. -So we’re looking for a place where people get killed? -I mean- -Motel. -What? -Roach motel. Lots of people get killed in motels. Prostitutes. Degenerates. -I guess… -Not to mention people who have…seen things. -Okay, we can go back to that one. The next...
QUIZ: Which Child From The May Photo In The...
Your perfect date is…
A) A romantic dinner at the coolest new restaurant. B) Going for a run and making smoothies together. C) A trumpet jam session. D) Just staying in and watching your favorite movies.
You think The Wire is…
A) A fascinating critique of institutional power. B) One of many shows responsible for today’s golden era of television. C) Lacking in the trumpet...
Every Single Thing I Really Love About Ja Rule
I really love how Ja Rule puts on that mean mug while wearing jean shorts, socks with pool sandals, and a cell phone belt clip.
I really love how pumped Ja Rule looks to be in this movie with Steven Seagal.
I really love this quote:
and I really love that “Hevey” is in reference to this guy:
I really love how Ja Rule is unafraid to rock a plaid bucket hat.
I really...
The 2012 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Guide Has Arrived
I saw this bad boy as I was leaving the supermarket, and no, I am not talking about myself, even though “bad boy” is basically a synonym for Ben Rosen at this point. I’m talking about that 2012 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Guide! Let’s take a look inside!
Hopefully there are lots of middle school girls passing this magazine around at slumber parties and Hebrew School Youth Group...
December 2011
6 posts
Miked Up
Last Sunday, Wildcats QB Rick Floyd wore a microphone so the fans could hear what’s really said on the field during an NFL game.
1st Quarter
15:00 Let’s play as a team, let’s play tough, let’s stick together for 60 minutes. We can’t play scared, boys. Wildcats on three. One, two, three, Wildcats!
14:59 Ready…hut! No! No no no no! Go away! Don’t tackle...
DJ Fringe
10:00: WHAT UP, IT’S YOUR BOY DJ FRINGE TAKING OVER HOT 97 FOR THE NEXT HOUR! I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE READY FOR THIS, NEW YORK! I’M COMING AT YOU WITH THAT NEW CAM’RON! LET’S GO!
10:08: OH YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS A GAME? YOU KNOW I’M GONNA HIT YOU WITH THE FRESHEST IN HIP-HOP AND R&B! BUT DJ FRINGE ALSO KNOWS WHAT’S POPPIN ON YOUR TELEVISION SET!...
Q&A
-Hey everyone, I can’t thank you all enough for coming to the screening. I was lucky to be part of a fantastic cast - it’s a small miracle that a movie as challenging as this got made and we’re very proud of it. Now I’d like to turn it over to you all for questions. Yes, you, sir. -Yeah, what was your character’s last name? -Uh, Robertson. Anybody else? You again?...
I Would See This Version Of New Year's Eve
QUIZ TIME: Rich Uncle Pennybags Or A Rapper?
1) “Money over everything, money on my mind.” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or Drake?
2) “Advance to Go, collect $200.” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or 50 Cent?
3) “I’m not a businessman. I’m a business…man.” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or Jay-Z?
4) “You have won a crossword competition, collect $100.” - Rich Uncle Pennybags or Diddy?
5)...
The Bombardier
Infamous supervillain, The Bombardier, addresses his henchmen in his lair.
The Bombardier: Great work, team, on another successful diabolical mission. Please, join me at the bar after work for happy hour. I promise it’ll be…a blast.
Henchman: Hold on, are we blowing it up? Did I miss that?
The Bombardier: No, we’re just going to have a good time. We’re off the clock,...
November 2011
8 posts
I'm Best Friends With Lil Wayne
Click HERE to read some new comics about me hanging out with my best friends Lil Wayne and Drake.
The First Draft Of "Candy Shop" By 50 Cent With...
I’ll take you to the candy shop Ooh
I’ll let you lick the lollipop Okay
I’ll whip up a batch of some of our world famous peanut brittle Mmm
Oh you didn’t know I owned the titular candy shop? Nuh uh, 50
I’ll show you the taffy machine Ooh
Be careful - the taffy machine’s dangerous Thanks, 50
I’ll let you use the pricing gun Okay
No, no not like...
Breakup
Rebecca: I don’t think Brian is dealing with the breakup very well.
Melissa: Breakups are hard. Is he bugging you?
Rebecca: No, he just hooked up his Spotify to Facebook and I can see everything he’s listening to. Like, look at this:
5:43 Brian Stanger listened to “Why I Cry” by The Magnetic Fields on Spotify 5:48 Brian Stanger listened to “Cry Me A River” by...
Kidnapped
BREAKING: Padres Rookie Andres Chavez Kidnapped At Home In Venezuela
***
Kidnapper: Is this the General Manager of the Brewers? We have Chavez.
Brewers GM: He’s not one of our players, but I’ll co-operate in any way I can to bring him back to the US safe and sound.
Kidnapper: We’ll send him back in exchange for Rickie Weeks and George Kattaras.
Brewers GM: Excuse me?
...
A Completely Original Song I Wrote About Mia...
Thermopolis, arrest this man He talks in maths He buzzes like a fridge He’s like a detuned radio Thermpolis, arrest this girl Her Hitler hairdo is Making me feel ill And we have crashed her beach party where she sings “Stupid Cupid.” This is what you get This is what you get This is what you get when you mess with the kingdom of Genovia Thermoplis I’ve given all I can...
New Comic In AM/UK Rocktronic Mixtape 2
Hey, I have a comic in Jef UK’s new AM/UK Rocktronic Mixtape #2! The book is an anthology about the Americans UK - a band that gets into crazy sci-fi adventures - and my comic is about the band starring in an animated sitcom called Americans UK Babies. If you’re in New York, you can get it at Bergen Street Comics and if you’re not you can buy it online. Read all about it here....
I Met Kel Mitchell, And Other Exciting Tales From...
Comikaze is a comic book convention in LA. I found out about it today at 2 PM. At 2:05 PM I learned Kel from Kenan and Kel was a Guest of Honor at the convention, so at 2:05:05 PM, I began speeding to the LA Convention Center. I spent $12 on a ticket and $12 on parking and then I guess another $20 fell out of my pocket at some point, so the following picture cost me $44. Was it worth it? You tell...
October 2011
4 posts
What You Think When You Maybe See Steve Zahn At...
A bearded man enters wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses.
“Wait, who is that guy? Is that Steve Zahn?”
He orders some bagels.
“Is he too short? Steve Zahn seems like he would be short.”
He pays with exact change, which he had ready in his hand.
“This guy’s in a rush…’Zahn in Sixty Seconds.’”
He leaves before you can figure out if...
Let's Find Me...A Signature Drink!
I went to a bar last night after spending five hours watching Cheers. Going from watching that bar to being in a real one is like seeing a New York City in a travel brochure and then going there and getting punched in the face by every New York Met. (That analogy was so great because of how we all read tons of travel brochures.)
The Cheers bar is perfect: no loud music, good lighting, Coach,...
STOP THE PRESSES: TURNS OUT YOGURT IS DELICIOUS!
Before today, I hadn’t had yogurt in around 15 years. Now, I don’t mean to be the guy who comes over and says in some dopey voice, “Uh, hey, have you heard of this new band called Radiohead?” and you’re like, “Where have you been and leave us alone” but it blew my mind. I realize that as normal human beings, you’ve all been enjoying yogurt for...
August 2011
1 post
July 2011
9 posts
A Peculiar Thing I Experienced At The Club Last...
My normal Tuesday night consists of sharing bottles of Cristal brand champagne at the club with my comrades and last night was no different. It was close to midnight and I was enjoying a bit of conversation with a few other gentlemen on the topic of the debt crisis. We weren’t able to solve the problem, of course, but lord knows the fun is in the liveliness of the debate. We ordered...
My Apartment Search Dealbreakers
I’ve spent the last few months looking for an apartment. The problem is that every time I go into a place, I find something wrong with it - some expectation of my dream apartment isn’t met, and since I’m a perfectionist, I simply can’t live there. No hardwood floors? That’s a dealbreaker.
The following is the full list of those dealbreakers. I still do not have an...
Top Five Reasons To Go To AdultCon
AdultCon is a real neat place for us grown-ups to enjoy grown-up things…without the kids! No strollers, no diapers - just wine tastings and con-exclusive, Shortz-edited New York Times crossword puzzles. Adult stuff! Here’s what we have to look forward to at this year’s con:
#5: We’ve all been meaning to finish The Wire, but who has the time? Lucky for us adults looking to...
"Can You Nerds Let Me Enjoy Comic-Con In Peace?"...
You’re telling me I can’t dress in public as a superhuman half-man, half-bird alien with giant wings without constantly being stopped for pictures?
What, I have to stand there, holding an awkward smile while your cousin figures out how to operate your camera? Just let me browse the con floor, eating a chili dog with one hand and wielding my paper mache Thanagarian mace with my other....
will.i.am And Fergie Sit Down With apl.de.ap And...
apl.de.ap: So what’s the big news? Are we getting a new tour bus?
Taboo: Ooh! With the TV built into the roof over my bed like I asked for?
apl.de.ap: And the gumball machine?
will.i.am: No, no. Um, let’s see…how to put this…
Fergie: We’re going on hiatus.
apl.de.ap: Hiatus?
will.i.am: It’s like…a vacation.
Taboo: Cool! Where are we...
James Dyson Holds A Press Conference To Introduce...
Dyson: As you can see, this new model has no bag. This vacuum does not suck in - it blows out a patented chemical compound I created which eradicates dirt completely. Poof - it’s gone. And I guarantee the chemical works - I rigorously tested it for years, using it to eliminate cancer cells in human test subjects. But the greatest innovation is the new ergonomic handle. You see-
Reporter:...
Highlights From The Joey Gladstone Episode Of WTF...
12:04
Gladstone: Well, I remember talking to you one time backstage at Luna- Maron: Oh god, what did I say? Gladstone: -and I had just killed with my Popeye impression, you know, the thing that made me famous, best Popeye in the biz, and you pulled me aside and you said, “So when’s the audience gonna meet YOU?” Maron: I didn’t! Gladstone: You did! I thought you hated...