Mr. James, I can tell you are anxious about potentially leaving your home state of Ohio. You grew up there. I understand that. But I also understand that sometimes abandoning your past can propel you to greatness and also give you a vulnerability that allows audiences to overlook all the cheating you’ve done on your wife. Lebron, my mother was a prostitute and my father was kicked in the face by a horse. I am not saying Cleveland is the equivalent of that set of parents, but Lebron, if any city’s close, it’s Cleveland. Leave it behind. Come to Newark.
See, I used to work with a guy named Teddy. He was Greek and he told me once that in Greek, the word “opportunity” literally translates to “New Jersey.” It’s a place where people make big leaps. You could go from national superstar to global icon just like how Snooki went from tanning salon hoodrat to televised tanning salon hoodrat and vodka party attendee. Or how Richie Sambora went from rock star to covert CIA agent. Many people don’t know about that. They’re not supposed to.
Also, Jay-Z owns a small share of the team and he is a great man. He’s married to Beyonce, Lebron. You could probably even get to meet her. And lucky for you, I’m already sleeping with every other part-owner’s wife and my hands are pretty full, so I won’t get in your way.
Now, I’d like to give the floor to Nets mascot, Sly the Silver Fox. Sly?