March 2012
6 posts
The Entirety Of My Stint As A Writer On Friends
Me: So, what if we do an episode where all the friends start hanging out at a hot dog place called Central Pork?
A trap door opens under my seat and I fall into a dungeon.
February 2012
29 posts
DON’T MIND IF I DO!
GREAT LOOK!
Please, Senior Class, Choose Me As Your Class...
Since you failed to award me the superlatives “Most Likely To Succeed” or “Everyone’s Pal,” I am now announcing my candidacy for “Class Clown.” I sincerely believe that over the past few weeks I have demonstrated my qualifications and have acted as our class’s pre-eminent clown.
First I assembled a clown costume to wear to school each Friday....
Batman Watches Die Hard
Batman enters the Justice League headquarters.
Batman: Have you guys heard of this movie Die Hard? Superman: Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Batman: Did you see how he was fighting crime but he wasn’t even wearing spandex? Green Lantern: I guess I didn’t notice. Batman: I just feel like maybe we don’t have to wear spandex. It was pretty eye-opening, actually. He was doing just...
How I Won The 2012 Sprite Slam Dunk Contest
Round 1: I cornered Derrick Williams in the locker room bathroom before we started and shot him in the chest. Since he was dead and couldn’t participate, the rest of us automatically made the next round without having to dunk.
Round 2: I told Paul George I baked him a delicious cake but I left it out behind the stadium. He followed me out there because I said this cake was really delicious,...
My Review Of The Descendants
Full House Finale Fan Fiction
Ding Dong!
Danny opened the door and gasped.
“Pam?”
And there stood his wife, a beautiful blonde decaying undead zombie woman. She immediately bit his face off and dripped his blood from her mouth as she entered the living room.
Once inside, she gobbled up her three daughters, and also DJ’s hunky boyfriend Steve.
Next she grabbed the twin Katsopolis boys and popped...
We Love Our Children
Neighbor 1: You see the sign the Gormans put up? Neighbor 2: Yeah, “WE love our children”? Like I don’t love my kids? Neighbor 1: I mean they didn’t underline the WE, but I can tell they meant to emphasize the WE. Neighbor 2: So now I’m thinking, “What, now I gotta put up a sign?” Neighbor 1: Yeah like, “We also love our children”? Neighbor...
Daydreams Vs. Reality
I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m bored I get lost in a dreamworld where everything goes right. Sure enough, reality always smacks me in the face, but it’s still fun to dream before disappointment sets in. Here are some recent examples.
Waiting In Line At Starbucks
Daydream: Everybody lets me cut to the front of the line, they have all these extra hot chocolates lying...
Eminem And Bruno Mars Collaborate On A Hit Song
Eminem: Man, I would do anything for a hit single.
In a puff of red smoke, Bruno Mars appears.
Bruno Mars: Maybe I can help you with that.
Eminem: You’d write me a hit song?
Bruno Mars: I don’t know how to write anything BUT hit songs.
Eminem: I’ll take one.
Bruno Mars shows him a contract.
Bruno Mars: It’ll cost you YOUR SOUL.
Eminem: You drive a hard...
City Library Cockfights
Host: WHO’S READY FOR A COCKFIGHT??? That’s right, we got angry gamecocks ready to wreck each other UP! As always, all proceeds at City Library Cockfights go toward the City Library and its various tutoring and literacy programs. Now let’s get it POPPIN!!!!
Librarian: Um, excuse me, I’m actually from the City Library and I’m here because we’d like it if you...
People I Have Almost Hit With My Car Since I Moved...
1) Actor Michael Rappaport
2) Director John Singleton
3) At least a million non-famous people. VERY lowball estimate.
Katy Perry Writes Teenage Dream
Katy Perry joins megaproducer Max Martin in a California recording studio.
Max Martin: Let’s hear what you’ve got for “Teenage Dream.”
Katy Perry: You make me/feel like I’m living a/teenage dream/I’m late for a class/that I don’t even remember signing up for/and it’s the day of the final and I’m unprepared
Max Martin: Katy, that...
A Valentine's Day Message From Bobby V.
Ladies of the world, the nose of R&B icon Bobby V. is separating the sweet Valentine’s Day air into its component parts - the delicious scent of red roses, the intoxicating aroma of limited edition cherry M&Ms, those bangin’ perfumes you all got on, and oh yeah, oxygen and nitrogen. Yes, it is time for R&B superstud Bobby V. to deliver his annual Valentine’s Day...
Some The Vow Fan Fiction
Rachel McAdams opened her eyes and woke from her medically induced coma. “You’re awake!” I said. “You were in an accident but you’re fine now.” “Doctor, was anyone else hurt?” she said to me. My eyes welled up with tears. “You don’t remember who I am? I’m…your husband.” “But I’m engaged to Jeremy.”...
Mythbusters: Heartbreak Edition
MYTH: You can’t cry yourself to sleep.
Adam: Ever since Annie left me, I cry myself to sleep at least once a week. You think at a certain point you’re going to stop crying and fall asleep but then suddenly it’s morning and you don’t remember ever stopping.
Jamie: Huh?
MYTH: BUSTED
- - -
MYTH: There’s plenty of other women out there.
Adam: That’s what...
Drafts 1-5 Of The Ryan Gosling Drive Jacket
How I Learned I Am A Monster
Guy At The Post Office: Do you have an extra envelope? (Pronounced ehn-velope)
Me: Nah, I don’t have any more envelopes. (Pronounced on-velopes)
Then I gasped at myself and he just turned and left instead of chopping my head off with a samurai sword but if he did chop my head off with a samurai sword, he would have been completely in the right.
Gchatting With Charlotte About Her Upcoming Trip...
MC is @charlotteborgen and me is me.
My Review Of Contagion
A Report From The Supermarket At Midnight
Recently I was in a Ralphs late at night and the only other people there were older men in sweatpants pushing carts full of nothing but SoBe Lifewaters and Cliff Bars. Coldplay’s “The Scientist” came on.
A list of songs that would have made things more depressing is as follows:
Johnny Cash’s “Hurt” cover
END OF LIST.
Get it together, Ralphs.
My Mom Is Straight Tearing Up The Emoji Game
The Best Conversation I Ever Had About Sons Of...
Him: You watch Sons of Anarchy?
Me: No, is it good?
Him: Yeah man - they just introduced the Mexican cartel and they’re chopping people’s heads off. It’s insane.
Me: Chopping people’s heads off is always cool.
Him: You like that shit?
Me: Well, I like Breaking Bad. Lots of crazy stuff happens on that show.
Him: No, I mean, do you like that REAL shit? Like Youtube...
Brainstorming!
-Hey Rick, you want to help me brainstorm some product names? -Yeah, of course. -First is a trap that kills cockroaches. -So we’re looking for a place where people get killed? -I mean- -Motel. -What? -Roach motel. Lots of people get killed in motels. Prostitutes. Degenerates. -I guess… -Not to mention people who have…seen things. -Okay, we can go back to that one. The next...
QUIZ: Which Child From The May Photo In The...
Your perfect date is…
A) A romantic dinner at the coolest new restaurant. B) Going for a run and making smoothies together. C) A trumpet jam session. D) Just staying in and watching your favorite movies.
You think The Wire is…
A) A fascinating critique of institutional power. B) One of many shows responsible for today’s golden era of television. C) Lacking in the trumpet...
Every Single Thing I Really Love About Ja Rule
I really love how Ja Rule puts on that mean mug while wearing jean shorts, socks with pool sandals, and a cell phone belt clip.
I really love how pumped Ja Rule looks to be in this movie with Steven Seagal.
I really love this quote:
and I really love that “Hevey” is in reference to this guy:
I really love how Ja Rule is unafraid to rock a plaid bucket hat.
I really...
The 2012 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Guide Has Arrived
I saw this bad boy as I was leaving the supermarket, and no, I am not talking about myself, even though “bad boy” is basically a synonym for Ben Rosen at this point. I’m talking about that 2012 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Guide! Let’s take a look inside!
Hopefully there are lots of middle school girls passing this magazine around at slumber parties and Hebrew School Youth Group...