Let’s Find Me…A Signature Drink!
I went to a bar last night after spending five hours watching Cheers. Going from watching that bar to being in a real one is like seeing a New York City in a travel brochure and then going there and getting punched in the face by every New York Met. (That analogy was so great because of how we all read tons of travel brochures.)
The Cheers bar is perfect: no loud music, good lighting, Coach, comfy stools, Coach, a laugh track, a con man magician, and Coach. The real thing is loud and kind of sticky and very dark and most of the time, Harry Anderson is not even there.
I realize that bars are where people go to have fun. Fine. But I don’t know what to order. I drank like 1/84th of a beer last night and each of my three sips brought me right to the brink of spitting up. I tried whiskey once and my neck almost imploded. I need a drink I can order anywhere that is simple and gives off an air of sophistication and manliness, while ideally also tasting super fruity and not at all like alcohol. There has to be something out there for me, and if it has a cool name like a “Marbles Milkshake” or a “Dirty Belzer,” all the better. What are my options, fellow wusses?
And don’t think I haven’t thought of just ordering cream soda in a whiskey tumbler. Turns out most bars try to differentiate themselves from Jewish delicatessens and therefore do not carry soft drinks made by Dr. Brown. Go figure.
