James Dyson Holds A Press Conference To Introduce The New Dyson Vacuum
Dyson: As you can see, this new model has no bag. This vacuum does not suck in - it blows out a patented chemical compound I created which eradicates dirt completely. Poof - it’s gone. And I guarantee the chemical works - I rigorously tested it for years, using it to eliminate cancer cells in human test subjects. But the greatest innovation is the new ergonomic handle. You see-
Reporter: Wait, this chemical destroys cancer?
Dyson: Yes, cancer, but more importantly, dust bunnies.
Reporter: So you invented a cure for cancer?
Dyson: I suppose you could say that, but I see this more as a cure for that hard-to-reach corner.
Reporter: Are you using this to treat cancer patients? Have you shared your findings with the medical community?
Dyson: No. I’ve been very busy in my vacuum workshop. As one of the great minds in the science community, I don’t have time for petty concerns like public health. I’m busy on the world’s real challenges - dirt pickup, stain removal, suction retention.
Reporter: But this is an incredible breakthrough! Are you really so blind to what you’ve discovered here?
Dyson: Sure, it has the ability to eliminate cancer or AIDS or the effects of aging, but what good is that if our hardwood floors aren’t glorious and shimmering?
Reporter: You could save millions of lives!
Dyson: Please, let’s get back to the topic at hand. Another new addition is a little accessory to vacuum the top of your ceiling fan.
Reporter: How did you create this incredible chemical?
Dyson: [Sighs.] It’s derived from my blood.
Reporter: Your blood is a miracle drug that cures all ailments?
Dyson: Yes.
Reporter: Your blood reverses aging?
Dyson: Yes.
[A stunned and confused silence falls over the crowd.]
Dyson: And yes, before you ask, it also removes dirt and grime between bathroom tiles.
[Continued silence.]
Dyson: Now if there are no more questions, I’d like to move on to my iron that runs on cold fusion…
