My Apartment Search Dealbreakers
I’ve spent the last few months looking for an apartment. The problem is that every time I go into a place, I find something wrong with it - some expectation of my dream apartment isn’t met, and since I’m a perfectionist, I simply can’t live there. No hardwood floors? That’s a dealbreaker.
The following is the full list of those dealbreakers. I still do not have an apartment.
- No hardwood floors
- No full kitchen
- No air conditioner
- No monkey butler
- No giant keyboard from Big
- No wise old elevator operator to give me advice and a shoulder to cry on
- No murder next door that I can solve so I can win back my badge and gun
- No naked wax statue of Michael Cera that I can use to test outfits because if it doesn’t look good on him, what chance to I have?
- No expensive paintings with even more expensive long lost paintings or copies of the Declaration of Independence hidden underneath
- No grotto
- No dungeon
- No Pee Wee Herman breakfast machine
- No patches of concrete with cracks that have roses growing out of them which act as a metaphor for something or other
- No mysterious ooze that leaks from under the sink that gives me strange but spellbinding romantic powers
- No dishwasher
